description? duck fat! psh!
description? duck fat! psh!
I talk a lot of talk, but the reality is that im nowhere near strong, im nowhere near confident. Im scared. Im scared of everything in my life. I dont ever deal with anything, never have. And I have officially decided to give up. I am giving up on myself. I have said for the past 5 years, that I was not meant to be an adult. And I will always stand by what i said. I have no confidence whatsoever that i am capable of being an adult and living on to be one. I cant do it. And before anyone gets ahead of themselves, i did have confidence at one point, at many points, but those moments of confidence werr quickly shot down by the simple fact that I dont know how to properly function as an adult. I spent 2 weeks, drinking every night, because I dont want to deal with the fact that Im scared of living on my own. I lie to myself everyday, saying I can do this. But its the times that I am not intoxicated and left to my own thoughts that I realize that I am not capable, I do not have what it takes to function as an adukt and live on my own, move up in my job, go back to school. I cant do it. I try to distract myself with momentary things to not have to feel scared, because I see that as being weak, and I dont want to be that. I dont want people to know Im scared. I dont want them to think less of me. I have always been looked down upon by my peers for not having as nice of things as them, being as skinny as them, being as popular and outgoing as them. Because im not all those things. Im me. And being me isnt good enough. Being me doesnt cut it. Because you cant go through life scared and not dealing with things. I know that! And no matter how many times I try to convince myself to not be scared, it doesnt work. No matter how many times anyone else tries to convince me, it doesnt work. I give up. I dont want to be. I dont want to be here. I dont want to be scared all the time. I dont want to do this. I dont want to be.
I might be homeless soon, because my mother thinks im a whore, and that everything i say is a lie. The very few people who said they would always be there are nowhere to be found when all I want is a shoulder to cry on, because im so scared and heartbroken. Heartbroken, because the one person who can and said they would help me, out of nowhere is calling me screaming at me and calling me a whore, without any basis for her accusations. The one person who’s supposed to be my ride 3or die for life, is going back on her word, which will leave me homeless. And all my “friends” dont want to answer my phone calls when all I want/need is a hug, because in a matter of seconds my entire world came crashing down, my heart shattered into a million pieces, and the ground is threatening to cave in beneath my feet